


Edge

by coveredsnow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide mention, eruri - Freeform, only if you want it to be, post-chapter 84
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 07:02:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11308185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coveredsnow/pseuds/coveredsnow
Summary: Don't let yourself think for too long after battle.





	Edge

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after chapter 84 of the manga, so spoilers for the anime.
> 
> Honestly, Levi makes me so sad. Just so sad. Currently trying to work up the courage to watch the anime of ACWNR, but I know I'm going to cry. Does this count as catharsis? I guess this might be catharsis?

Levi tipped his head back and tried to take a proper breath. He looked at the cold grey sky and tried to take a proper breath. He felt the strain in his neck and he closed his eyes and as he tried to breathe he considered leaning back just a little bit further, a little bit further.

"Levi." He heard Hange's footsteps approaching. He opened his eyes but did not look anywhere but the sky. Wished its monochrome could seep into his heart. Wished the wind would blow a little bit harder and he would be taken away.

"Fucking hell, Levi. Get a grip."

" _Fuck_  you, Hange." It comes out a croak.

"How many senior officers do you count here? We need you."

"Who's we, exactly. Who's we, now. Who ..." He trails off, too exhausted to argue, too exhausted to comply. Just too exhausted. He closes his eyes again.

"Could you step away from the edge, at least?"

He cracks a smile. He likes the feeling of irony on his face.

"Relax. I'm wearing ODM gear."

"Levi, I'm not fucking around. I'm tired. I'm hurt. I've got one  _fucking_  eye. So if you could stave off your mental breakdown for the survivors - the  _teenage_  survivors - and impose some semblance of order, if you could get off your fucking emotional rollercoaster long enough to help me do the job you've so graciously foisted upon me, I'd be very fucking grateful."

"Swearing doesn't suit you."

"Well, suicide doesn't suit you. Very anti-climactic. 'Humanity's strongest, went splat.' Shitter of a headline."

He looks at xer for the first time.

"Come on. You know I wouldn't."

"No? Actually?" There's a break in xer voice. "I don't? There are a lot of things I took for granted, like not losing a hundred recruits in one charge, like Commander Erwin not dying stretched out on a rooftop with his guts looping out, like - shit -" Xe clutches a hand over xer left eye, wincing as tears leak down xer cheek.

"That's gotta hurt, huh. Guess I can't call you four-eyes, now."

"Oh, are you back from cloud cuckoo land?"

"If that's what you want to call it." He shrugs the numbness over himself, like putting on an old jacket. "I'll watch the cadets while you work out exit strategy. Channel our late commander. One-eye, meet One-arm. Sympathy, right? Or some shit. This is your free pass, Hange, I'm not doing your fucking job."

"You're a fucking wreck."

"That's the way you like me."

"Yeah. Thanks, Levi."

He starts walking towards where he can see the young soldiers collected, a loose gathering further down the wall. Then, unable to go resist, he glances over his shoulder, calls back to where Hange is sat staring into the distance.

"I see through you, you know." He lets himself be propelled by the unnecessary words, feels them gather momentum in the air, gain a life that isn't his. It's the closest to alive he can feel at the moment. Xe could have handled the pitifully few survivors, devoid both eyes with xer hands tied behind xer back, but xe gave him purpose, got him away from the edge, and he knows he's being manipulated, manipulated into holding on just a little bit longer, but he supposes that probably isn't something he should resent.

He's walking an edge far thinner than this wall. The space of Erwin's body screams behind him. He's not sure if he wants, but he needs to be pushed, pushed forwards until he can figure out what's going to hold meaning now.

**Author's Note:**

> And I thought my [last fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11199687) was uncharacteristically sad for me ... I swear, I do have at least 3 happy hcs for every sad one, but they're so unrealistic in this universe we've been given :'( Might need to work on an AU soon, but I'm going to be working abroad for a month and 'verse establishing means more word count, so who knows.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos and feedback welcomed, it means the world.  
> Follow me on tumblr at [coveredsnow](http://coveredsnow.tumblr.com/)! Taking prompts xx


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